Expressing To Those Who Have Lost Someone
I often struggle to express to people who have experienced a loss of a loved one. The traditional words ‘of condolences’ seem so trite — like a mass produced Hallmark card. I have come to understand this over the years as the various women in my family died — my grandmother first, then my sister, followed by my mother who died 6 years later, strangely on the same day and month my sister died. Most of the words said to me during those times seemed superficial and lacking in empathy even though logically I knew they were said with good intentions.
In reflective retrospect, I think I would have wanted any of the following said to me in those circumstances:
“I’m here for you if you need anything. Don’t hesitate to reach out. I really mean it.”
“I’m here if you want to talk. You can speak about anything. Don’t worry about what I will think.”
“It’s ok to grieve, take as long as you need. Don’t feel like you have to act normal anytime soon. You need to heal also.”
“It’s ok to feel angry, it feels like an unjustness that X was taken away. You’re allowed to feel any and all emotions right now.”
“I can’t imagine how you feel but I acknowledge your pain and how upset you must be right now. Please don’t keep everything inside you and know there are people who are there for you.”
“I’ve experienced a similar loss and know that perhaps my words are not enough right now to comfort you. You’re in my thoughts and I’m here if you need me.”
“I don’t know you (or I don’t know X) very well but please take care of yourself even though this is a difficult time for you. It must be tiring right now so be sure to rest as much as you need.”
Things I really disliked even though I knew they were said with good intentions. :
“I know how you feel.”
Can they really? They didn’t have the same exact experiences or relationship so how could they assume they knew. Everyone’s pain is unique to them even if there are similarities to others.
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Condolences.”
“My sympathies.”
The above seemed like a politeness that the person was obliged to say and/or didn’t have the empathy or desire to search for anything more meaningful. Text straight from a sympathy card written by someone else for the masses.
“Time will heal the pain.”
We all know this deep inside but does it really help to hear? It felt like people were uncomfortable with my pain and wanted me to get over it quickly.
Of course the above are based on my experiences and how they related to those in my life who had passed away. I acknowledge everyone will feel differently and be comforted or not by certain words/actions.
Nowadays, when I express to those who have lost someone, I remember what was said to me. Because of this, I need to feel authentic in what I am saying/writing. At times I withhold saying anything. I may be perceived as uncaring or you may even think this is selfish. But I will not write words just to conform to and/or please others who hold these ‘traditional’ beliefs. They are no longer mine. I outgrew them through my own experiences. Maybe silently holding a space for them in my thoughts is better than what I feel would be empty words.
What would you want said or not said to you in your moments of loss?